I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
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It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?