I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
