I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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