Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
