I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
