I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
