It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There are leaves in my underwear?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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