I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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