Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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