I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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