I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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