Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
