So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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