Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
