Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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