Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
