I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
