Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Found the puke drawer
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
