...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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