My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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