wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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