just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
