Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
