Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
