My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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