I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
