The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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