in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
