My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
