He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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