i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
