I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
