for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
