I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
