took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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