i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
