I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
