I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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