I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
