i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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