my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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