Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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