getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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