could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
