Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
