did you get engaged???
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
