I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
