Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
