matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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