and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Farmville is her only friend.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
