"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
