So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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