i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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