Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
