i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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