Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
