I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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