My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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